Shame - SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!

Monique Thomson discusses shame and its relationship with gambling.

How do you feel when someone says “shame on you”? Has that every happened? Some of our earliest memories probably consist of events, which have made us feel dreadfully ashamed. Shame is a natural part of life and like many unpleasant feelings cannot be avoided altogether. Not that shame is just a feeling – there is more to it.

Shame can be described as the glue that keeps society intact by creating necessary norms. In order to stay alive, human beings have evolved to conform. To be different meant isolation, danger and death. It also deprived people of the ability to breed and hence to pass on their genes. This primitive human need to remain connected with the group in order to survive still exists as a desire to belong; if not with humankind in general then at lease with an ethnic group, a family, work peer group, a generation or some type of sub culture. Being different or not measuring up can be a shaming experience we do our utmost to avoid.

Avoidance of pain and the seeking of pleasure is what motivates humans and shapes development from very early childhood. Shame must not be confused with guilt. Guilt is about feeling responsible for something that has happened or something that you have done which you know to be wrong. Positively, it can prevent us committing crimes and hurting others, but can also be negative and psychologically destructive in large amounts.

Shame on the other hand is about whom you are, what you look like, how you present to others, silly things that you think you have said. In other words it is about how you think others may perceive you. It is about ‘not measuring up’ which in large amounts causes psychological distress, and can lead to low self esteem. In a positive way shame can prevent people from ‘stepping over the line’ and engaging in anti-social behaviour because of how it would make them look to others.

Shame is often a factor in people being unwilling to admit that they have a gambling problem. Being out of control is ‘not a good look’. Sometimes shameful feelings can be so painful that the gambler cannot even admit to them self that they actually, really and truly, have a gambling problem. This gambler may do everything to hide the fact from others, lie, pinch money to cover losses, or any other uncharacteristic behaviour. Addressing these natural feelings of shame during a counselling session may be helpful and bring considerable relief to the gambler.

Shame can also be a factor in the development of a gambling problem itself. Being a painful feeling which we desperately try to avoid, we may engage in a variety of destructive or at the very least unhelpful behaviours or habits in order to reduce its intensity. Generally, people are not actually conscious of an actual feeling called ‘shame’ but rather the anxiety that is the by-product of an injured self esteem. The shaming may have come from family and societal attitudes to what is worthy and what is not. We doubt ourselves easily. We are too fat, too thin, too short, too loud, too ugly, uncoordinated, not clever enough, cannot dance, not rich enough, have a low job status, not respected enough by our peers and son on.

Shaming life events coupled with guilt about how badly we may have behaved can lead to behaviours such as gambling, which temporarily distract and relieve the anxiety. Gamblers with low self-esteem may stumble upon the fact that every win, no matter small makes them feel good. People don’t usually make a decision to start gambling in order to deal with problems and anxiety. What often happens is that someone decides to gamble for whatever reason – to win money, somewhere safe to go at night, to gain independence from a spouse, for something to relieve boredom etc. and then what follows is that they discover that the gambling itself produces pleasurable feelings, be it excitement, relaxation, or distraction from pressing problems.

The human propensity to avoid pain and seek pleasure may steer the gambling in a direction to becoming a habitual coping strategy. When financial and other gambling related problems surface the gambling refuge becomes even more attractive. For example, pokie machine gamblers depressed and ashamed because they are thousands of dollars down, may experience short periods of elation whenever they win minute amounts. These good feelings serve as temporary respites from the worry about previous losses and indeed life itself.

Another example may be a socially isolated woman lacking confidence (shame) who becomes attracted to a lifestyle in gaming venues with pleasant surroundings and staff that are willing please. Then a win, which brings about congratulatory outbursts from onlookers, contributes to a wonderful feeling of success and luck. It beats being bored and lonely

Unhelpful behaviours may include too much alcohol, drug usage, destructive relationship habits, gambling, a shopping obsession and so on. The problem with people using gambling as a coping strategy is that it is at the very least expensive and potentially financially disastrous. And gambling is all too easily available, allowing people to spend way too much time at venues creating other problems which impact on gambler’s stress levels and feelings of shame which inturn, invite them to again seek refuge in gambling.

If someone is unlucky enough to develop a gambling problem they often need help to regain control. Counselling and financial counselling offered by Gambler’s Help is one way to receive valuable assistance. Gambler’s Help Southern staff members are also acutely aware that the prevention of gambling problems is paramount. This is where the gambling industry can assist. Gambling venues are not expected to take sole responsibility for the development of patrons gambling problems where people choose to gamble for entertainment purposes and then proceed to develop problems when gambling becomes too much of a habit. However there is much that can be done to assist. Sure, people do make a choice to gamble and if they happen to develop a gambling problem as a result of life stresses etc. etc. is it the gaming venues’ fault? No, but given that all human beings experience stress and all strive to cope, then surely the gaming industry can recognize that their venues are thus being used by some patrons in a destructive way which can go on to destroy their lives.

Some elements of the gambling industry regularly distance themselves from taking responsibility with the excuse that they are not responsible for people’s life issues and their subsequent gambling problems. If the industry recognises that gambling related harm can occur naturally as a result of normal human behaviour when their product is being used, then we could expect a greater effort from industry to protect gambling patrons.

A comprehensive and operational poker machine venue ‘responsible gambling’ policy would make a very good start. Such a policy would guide floor staff with how to respond in situations where it is apparent that patrons are getting into difficulty with their gambling. Any policy needs to be carefully planned but has the potential to assist the staff enormously so that they are comfortable with knowing what they need to do. It also encourages a consistent approach to dealing with problems and more importantly allows for venue practices, which assist in preventing the development of problem gambling.

Do gambling venues really want problems gamblers inside their venues? There are many who genuinely do not. However, any part of the gambling industry that refuses to acknowledge that much more can be done to prevent problem gambling and that industry should do much more to assist as a matter of decency, then all that can be said is “shame, shame, shame!!”

Monique Thomson is a former community educator with Gambler’s Help Southern in Victoria

This article was originally published in Gambling Matters Volume 4, Issue 3 , September 2005

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