Coping Alone—A Father’s Concern

I envy the gambling addict who has support. To have a loving, caring sensible person around—so close at hand to help overcome this monster of addiction is something I can only hope for, for my son, but that someone seems a remote possibility.

At present my relationship with my gambling son is at an all-time low. Since my wife and I first became aware of his gambling problem my feelings have swung from anger to sympathy to despair. Even fear has taken hold on some occasions a fear that his loneliness, in facing the difficulty of making ends meet and suffering feelings of guilt, he might do something desperate.

To begin with, when he first got into trouble over his uncontrolled gambling my wife and I went to his aid. We did the wrong thing. We paid his debts—on more than one occasion. He made promises and never kept them. He betrayed our trust and I was furious. I wanted to disown him, leave him out of our will. We finally learnt that giving him money was the worst possible thing to do. We resolved that that would never happen again, even if a gaol sentence threatened. I often wonder if we would ever allow that to happen—probably not. How easy it is for people around the gambler to become enmeshed. How difficult it is to divorce oneself from the problems of a loved one, even thought one tries to put it at the back of the mind, forget about it and get on with life.

As I said before, I have felt angry, so angry that on many occasions, particularly when my son’s gambling has affected other members of the family; when the paying of rent to a brother, another of our sons, has not happened and when in a drunken state (drinking being part of the problem) he arrives home and causes an uproar, a fight. And worst of all, when he neglects to contact his mother to enquire how she is after a major operation. But then my hostile feelings turn to sympathy. The anger dissipates, I feel a great sadness and, once again, I know that I can’t be too hard on our troubled son because I realise that what he does is beyond his control. I realise he feels guilty and he is all ALONE.

The worst part about his addiction as far as we are concerned has been the fall-off of communication. He lives in Sydney and we live in Nowra. Whereas our other adult children ring us on a regular basis, we rarely hear from our eldest, our gambler son. We put it down, once again to feelings of guilt. Why communicate with those I have hurt so much, must be the only reason we know because we know that he loves us.

Helping him is not something we can do because although he understands he has a problem he doesn’t recognise that he needs help, regular help. I’ve spoken to him about this on a number of occasions, but like many gamblers, I believe that he doesn’t think anyone else can help. Perhaps he doesn’t want anyone, particularly a stranger, to intrude into his addictive life?

All alone with his problem and no friends. He used to speak of the friends he had but we soon realised that they were a myth. His only friends were acquaintances, people he met at the club or pub. Anyone he had as a friend at all, he soon lost because, as with us, he borrowed money with which to gamble and pay debts and didn't pay it back. At one time he shared accommodation with a friend but before long he was looking for another room. He had failed to repay borrowed money.

What of the future? I worry about this because he has no assets at all. Although he is in his forties, he has no money in the bank, no investments, no home to call his own and no partner or real friends with whom to share the remainder of his life. The question is always at the back of my mind—“When his mother and I are not round what will become of him?” I can only hope that he will not divorce himself entirely from his two brothers and sister. Better still, I keep hoping for a dramatic change in his life when he is able to save money instead of gambling it away and take steps to look after his health which he has neglected to do.

As I come to the end of this article, I must add that just recently there were some signs of change for the better—rent is being paid regularly, some money owed is being paid back, less alcohol is being consumed and junk food is less often on the menu. Along with my wife, I can only hope and pray that our son will eventually emerge from the world of addiction.

A Worried but Hopeful Father

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