Dealing With Relapse

For the past twenty years of his life my husband must have been struggling with the affects of gambling. However it is only in the past five years that he and I (wife of 12 years) have realised the seriousness of this disorder.

A major relapse in his health and significant financial damage to our assets, finally convinced both of us that he had a serious problem for which we both sought professional help. Up until then, his occasional binges had been reasonably insignificant in expenditure although emotionally damaging, in indulging in what I had seen, as a somewhat bizarre behaviour often due to stress.

However, the magnitude of the 1997 “bust” led to an awakening of the family to face the impacts of what was clearly a pathological gambling disorder. This was a difficult time for all, involving not just ourselves but the extended family and in many ways I felt I was the guilty party for breaking the family secrets, reflecting the difficulties back to the family and shattering the “no worries”‘ image. To make it worse possibly, from the family’s perspective, I was already a social worker with a wide range of views on social justice to which gambling became an extension.—I’m sure the family loved and hated me at the same time!

However, five years down the track we are now facing the reality of this disorder and learning more and more about how to deal with it in our lives. As a partner, dealing with relapses has been a difficult journey and one which has demanded a lot of energy and emotional strength.

One of the biggest fears in dealing with the effects of gambling on one’s life as a partner is the inescapable feelings of mistrust and anguish about the possibility that your partner may through his own problem be the cause of your “undoing”. For me it felt that at any given moment I could have the carpet pulled out from under my feet.

I used to feel that I was living on egg shells and that at any moment “ this monster could jump out of the cave to grab me”. Consequently, this meant I was often suspicious of my husband, checking on his movements, questioning and generally wanting to feel more “in control”.

When relapses occurred they were usually the result of me finding out through my gut instincts and curiosity rather than being told. My reactions were often driven by fear and uncertainty resulting in anger, emotional trauma and accusations. Often leaving me feeling drained, scared and totally dis-empowered in the face of this disorder.

However, overall I have been determined not to be a victim of this problem and through much support through the likes of GamAnon, professional counselling, self-help reading and drawing on my professional experiences. I have learnt new and proactive ways of dealing with both the possibility and the reality of relapses.

What this means in practice has been increasing confidence in myself to both protect myself and my family, whilst supporting my husband. It has meant taking on more financial responsibilities and necessitating a greater awareness of financial management opportunities. We have adjusted his access to cash and limited access to cheques which has helped me feel more secure without reducing his involvement in financial planning.

We have worked out how and who will access ATM cards and how he will access funds safely when needed. We have worked on telling each other how we feel about the situation and have confided in each other’s need for support when the other is feeling daunted. I have found myself less likely to react and more likely to respond when faced with a relapse and no longer jump to anger to deal with my fears and pain.

The result of this has been my husband more willing to share his own fears and emotions and a sense that we are working this out together. He still has difficulty telling me about his weaknesses and I still have difficulty not checking up occasionally, but overall, we have shifted in our attitude and this has made dealing with relapse a more positive and less damaging event.

Thankfully the opportunities have been small and the nature of this disorder in my husband as being stress driven, combined with the recovery work he has been doing, has meant the gaps between relapses has steadily increased.

Right now we are dealing with a crisis, but that’s another story—it is relapse driven but comes after almost two years of non-gambling. The financial damage is minimal and the emotional damage whilst painful, is manageable and has meant that more in roads have been made into self-care and therapeutic initiatives.

I am not sure there will ever be a time when a relapse may not be around the corner, but I know that I can deal with them either constructively or destructively—I know, because I have experienced both. I will not allow the possibility of a relapse to influence my life unduly—that would be like waiting for the sky to fall in and we all know the story of Henny Penny don’t we?

Kate

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