Losing Gavin

My name is Karen and I was married to a gambler, although I never knew it until it was too late.

I was married to Gavin for 17 years, it was pretty much like most marriages are — tough going, Gavin was in the Navy, he was away a bit and we had two kids early in our marriage only 13 months apart. We were both young but we loved each other and that kept us together and kept us struggling on trying to solve the things that weren't quite right.

It was in June of 1998 that I decided I needed to finally do something for myself. I had been thinking for a long time that there had to be more to life—we couldn't just be here to work, buy things and die. So I started to go back to church. I made friends and slowly Gavin and I began talking, spending time together, not a lot, but it was a start. I stopped feeling so “hard done by” and realized it was up to me to help myself and make my life happy. It wasn’t my husband’s job to do that.

Gavin got a new job and he was so much happier, he’d hated where he was for about 18 months. Money was light and we always seemed to be struggling. So new job — a little more money —things were looking up! Wrong.... the money situation got worse. Gavin took care of all the finances, even the shopping. If I needed money he gave it to me. It just didn't seem right though. Others could have takeaway or go for a weekend away, we both worked full time and had pretty good wages. Something just wasn’t right!! I started asking why? Could he show me when payments were due and how much each one was? Gavin put this off for a long time until finally he could no longer and showed me — all seemed to add up...????

Monday 7th December- a letter from the bank—three cheques bounced and the home loan was overdrawn. I had come home early and picked up the mail (with Gavin’s new job he would have been able to come home when he felt like it to check the mail). “What's going on?” I asked. “Oh, there’s a mistake at the bank. I’ll fix it”, he’d say.

Tuesday 8th December — very quiet Gavin laid on the bed most of the night saying he had hurt his back. Same on Wednesday. I went to a Christmas party with my church group. Gavin cooked teas, made the kids their favourite — spaghetti boll, he went outside & worked on his Ute (so my neighbours could tell me later). Later that night he went in and told Kirby (our daughter) that he loved her — Dale (our son) was asleep.

Thursday 10th December - 5.30 am I get up and get dressed. Gavin had slept on the lounge saying his back was too sore to sleep in bed. I was annoyed at this as the lounge was much worse for his back. I didn’t say goodbye to him, even when he walked past me in the hall as I walked outside. It was a drizzly morning but cleared as I walked and realized that the night’s events weren’t worth the fight. I would tell Gavin how much I loved him when we got home that night as he would be gone when I got home from my walk.

He was—he had just left his clothes on the bathroom floor, he had never in 20 years done that. I got dressed and went to work. It was a busy day and I had missed lunch. I was just making a snack when the phone rang. It was my pastor from church telling me I needed to come out there, there was a problem, he wouldn’t say what. I told him he was scaring me, but thought on the way “Oh, it’ll be nothing, Gavin might have finally gone to talk to them”.

When I got there his Ute wasn't there, so it wasn’t that. They took me into Pastor James’s office, Janice was there, I had become very close to her, I sat down. Pastor James sat down and said, “There’s been an accident with Gavin”. I said, “Where is he, I want to see him” he then told me Gavin was dead and that he had taken his own life because he had been gambling...

At that point it was just nothing, the world as I new it had changed forever, there was nothing I could do to fix this situation, nothing, just nothing my world had become one very big hole that engulfed me. I just wanted to die, the pain was so unbearable, it is truly like my insides had been torn away, and then the kids—how does a mother tell her kids that shocking news and know that they will feel like her?

I thought Kirby would never stop crying, it was heartbreaking again, and I couldn’t take away the pain. Dale didn’t say much, as sixteen-year-old boys don’t, he cried, but not like Kirby.

Then came the rest—the story unfolded, a briefcase filled with bills, loans and chequebooks—it was unbelievable. How had I not seen this? Gavin had a post office box, all new loans, other than the car and house, went to it and as the bills came in, he would hang them on the hook on the fridge then a week later take them off and file them in his briefcase that was kept at work locked, I just thought he paid them. It all added up to about $120,000 plus our home loan about $120,000. When you think about it, a lot, together we could have paid it off.

He left a letter; it said how the gambling had gotten the better of him. Gavin was a proud man, intelligent, very good-looking, a good sportsman, a mate, a dad, and had always been a good provider and very diligent. This was all so unbelievable. It is all so easy, just last night I received a letter from one of the companies that re-possessed his Ute, asking if I would like a loan. They are just looking for easy targets, they have no morals!

It was twenty months this month that Gavin died and I still find it all so unbelievable and shocking. The changes that have been made won’t stop others who are addicted to gambling ending up the same way and other families being shattered. We will never be the same — that which does not kill you, makes you stronger — by the grace of God!

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