Moving On...A Question Of Trust

As we know, problem gambling can affect a family in so many ways -emotionally, financially, socially and even physically. Getting support to all family members who have been dealing with the impacts of gambling behaviour can be a great source of strength and encouragement, along with effective treatment and an opportunity to earn new skills. Partners of problem gamblers often find the process of “moving on” from the immediate crisis, difficult and challenging to their sense of family values and relationships.

One of the biggest areas to be negatively affected is the trust within the partnership. Often partners will have experienced a round of lies, deceits and cover-ups from their gambling partner. It has proved impossible at times to know where the reality was and now when the gamblers is in recovery the partner needs to shift their thinking too to allow the process of change to take place. The relationship dynamic can have a strong influence upon the gambler in recovery and in many ways the partner is in recovery too – it’s a “family thing”.

So for instance – I know that my partner has an exceedingly bad memory when it comes to family administrative responsibilities – its not his desire but it is a fact based on my experience of him. There are some areas of our relationship that I do not depend on him for his memory – one could say I don’t trust him – but there are some areas of our life together where I cannot trust that his memory can be depended upon in certain circumstances.

It’s a matter of degree, circumstance and experience. So for instance, in remembering to pick the kids up from school I could say I would trust 100% that the would remember to do this, however in remembering to make a phone call to follow-up about the installation of some home equipment, I would have to say I would trust his memory 50% based upon past experiences, circumstance and the nature of the business.

So as you can see trust is a movable feast – it is not necessarily an all or nothing arrangement. There is no doubt that trust in a relationship is a significant part of working together and building security and I know how hard this can be when a partner has seemingly undermined these important values. However, to move on from the problem, requires the partnership to allow trust to grow again.

One approach which I have found helpful is to consider some of the suggestions included in the book “Don’t leave it to chance: A Guide for Families of Problem Gamblers by Edward Federman et al (2000). In chapter 12 he states,

“ if the gambler stops gambling, he or she deserves a great deal of credit as do you and the rest of your family. First allow your family to celebrate and appreciate these achievements before tackling the opportunities and challenges that such a change will bring. You now have the chances to both heal and rebuild your family and repair the damages caused by the loss of money, loss of time spent together and the loss of basic trust and mutual support”.

Federman goes on to suggest the following steps as a means to begin healing any breach of trust:

• Acknowledge how profoundly important a breach of trust is in your relationship.
• Access and honour the emotions you experience as a result (for example, sadness, angers).
• Consider various areas that trust has/did/hold exist in your relationship.
• Use a journal to write your ideas down and to figure out percentages for this exercise. Then fill in the following table (see next page) to assess the status of your trust in the various areas. Six areas are listed and you can fill in other areas that may apply. In each cell in the table, enter the percent of trust you have for the person in that area. The column "Historical trust” is the percent that you trusted that person during the course of your relationship prior to the development of the problem gambling.
• After filling in the table you can see where your trust has been disrupted and where it still remains strong. Federman suggests that most people will find that trust is preserved in some areas and can use this as a base for further development. Although your family has already weathered the storms of problem gambling there is still much work to be done. You may still be struggling with feelings of sadness, anger, shame and a resolution to these feeling must proceeds to enable trust to be re-established. This is where for some people professional help can be of great help in assisting couples to “move on”.

TABLE 1: EVALUATING THE LEVEL OF TRUST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

One common hurdle people face during this phase is they may have widely differing expectations about how long this process should take. At its extremes the person who violated the trust may think several sincere apologies should suffice, and the victim of the violation may think that long-term penance across al areas of the relationship is required. Neither of these extremes is likely to produce a successful outcome”. So what to do?

According to Federman, the person who violated the trust, needs to provide the reassurance the other person needs, but may also reasonably look for some measurable increase in trust and decreases in need for reassurance over months (not days, weeks or years). As a general guide about one year could be expected as a reasonable amount of time to expect some shifts in these area. Sharing and mutual understanding along with listening to each other’s ideas for change will go a long way towards helping the healing process take place.

In our own case, my partner and I have seen this as an evolving process, there are significant areas of our lives which have remained unchanged, he is a loving father, supportive husband and reliable, honest and loyal in a multitude of areas of our marriage. However, there are specific areas of financial management, which as a partner I found extremely challenging in the light of the gambling problem. We have agreed a strategy on how to manage this which provides him with the flexibility he needs but also provides me with the security and reassurance I need - we are about twelve months away from his last lapse and he has been doing some serious recovery work with both counsellors and groups for the past four years. We have found that taking a shared approach to the problem has worked for us.

I have learnt a lot about problem gambling and recognise my own struggle with the impacts of it on my life. However, we have had some excellent professional and self-help support and that has enabled us to take a practical and effective approach to the challenge of problem gambling in our lives.

As far as trust goes, there are still reservations in some areas and as a partner I am coming to terms with my need to manage my own fears and anxieties. As more time goes in, this has become much easier and by talking, listening and sharing ideas together we have grown together as a couple and in many ways our relationship is stronger because of what we have done to rebuild and help each other heal.

Philosophically I am of the opinion that life is a journey and that it is in the solving of problems that we find meaning and a sense of self, this has certainly helped me confront problem gambling in a way that I hope has supported my partner in his recovery, enabled my children to maintain a loving relationship with their father and allowed me to continue to develop as an individual, partner and friend.

I wish you well as you walk your own path.

Kate

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Disclaimer - The opinions expressed in this website are not necessarily those held by the Gambling Impact Society (NSW) Inc. No responsibility will be accepted for anything that may occur as a result of anyone relying on the information and opinions contained in the website.