Parents Perpsective

Our 40-year-old son has been a compulsive gambler for twenty years.

He was never out of work and often had cleaning jobs of an evening, which we assumed was his way of getting ahead. However, gradually we could see his possessions dwindling away and he told us that his financial mismanagement with credit cards had led him into large debts.

Months later the phone call came. “Please help me. I’ve taken $500 from the company and if I don’t put it back by the end of the week I’ll lose my job. I wish I were dead. I don’t know why I did such a thing”.

We were in a state of shock and filled with shame, embarrassment and feelings of incredible guilt.

Again we bailed him out!

Within 24 hours both father and son saw a gambling counsellor and my son told his father that he “wanted to handle this himself”. He drifted back to his poker machines and we later learnt from him that he had acquired a personal loan of $10,000 from a bank to “chase” his gambling losses. He lost the lot and even more and eventually declared himself bankrupt.

We watched helplessly as our son continued to destroy his life. Why? Where had we gone wrong? It must be our fault! We found that our emotions were boiling over. Finally all communication between us ceased.

Then a door opened (3 years ago) when we read an article in the newspaper about Gam-Anon. The response to my call was full of empathy, friendship and praise for my courage in taking this step. I sobbed with relief.

Within five days we were at our first Gam-Anon meeting and either one or both of us have attended the Thursday evening meeting ever since.

It was here that we were able to give full expression to our anger, frustration and guilt and to the devastation of losing our son — all in a non-judgmental neutral environment, secure in the knowledge that nothing would be repeated outside that Gam-Anon meeting place.

As Gam-Anon members we are very well aware of the often explosive situations husbands, wives and partners live in when one is living 24 hours a day with a compulsive gambler. These members are familiar with worry, sleepless nights and promises to be made only to be broken. But each one of us has found that there is no situation so difficult it cannot be bettered, and no unhappiness that is too great not to be lessened.

Gradually we found that our regular contact with other parents and partners of gamblers became enough to sustain us for the week ahead. It was a great comfort to us both to know and feel that we were no longer isolated with our son’s problem and we drew strength from the experiences and successful coping mechanisms of others. We have now let go of our problem, because, we know, it is not ours to keep. It belongs to our son. There is nothing we can do to change him - only he can do that. He knows that we, his parents, together with his family, will never again enable him to gamble, nor will we pay his debts.

Because we have changed our attitude towards ourselves and towards each other, this in turn has had a beneficial effect upon our son and our family as a whole. This has enabled us to all be reunited as a family and once more, to give our son a feeling of belonging and being loved for his own sake. He has now been living, as a responsible tenant, in his brother’s home for two years! The fact that this move was, and is, of mutual benefit to both brothers (the owner being overseas) has given our son credibility and much needed self-esteem.

However, let’s not have any “airy fairy” ideas about this gambling addiction. Whilst we may feel pleased with ourselves for coming thus far, the realities for us as parents and/or partners of gamblers are these: -

We cannot stop it
We cannot cure it
We cannot fight it
We cannot play games with it
We cannot deny it
We cannot ignore it
We cannot, and we will not, become victims to it.

What we have done is to become pro-active in supporting the increasing numbers of parent/partners who are coping with similar situations. There are now, up and running, training courses facilitated by professionals such as social workers, gambling and relationship counsellors and gamblers in recovery. The impact of these courses on us was the insight we gained into our own potential strengths in using coping strategies that worked for us. With newfound strength came confidence and the realization that we had come this far and that there would be NO turning back.

In removing our self-inflicted barriers we see our son through different and more compassionate eyes, even if, at times, they may be blinded by tough love. For this gentle giant, when the message comes — the teacher will be there.

Dorothy

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