A Gambler’s Story

What made me gamble? If you had asked me that question while I was gambling I wouldn't have known the answer, but it's not as complex for me now. What I do know is that I haven’t gambled for four and a half years ...this is known as recovery.

Each gambler’s experience is different to other’s. The beginning of my chaotic and disastrous 15 years of gambling started out so innocently. I had an emotional breakdown, which affected many corners of my seemingly stable life. To cope with the changes that had happened, it was suggested to me that I could gain from playing poker machines. I did gain, it forced me out of the house, my confidence started to increase and I found that my panic attacks began to lessen. I did begin to feel happier, although poker machines utterly bore me and always did.

Three years passed and I found that my single pension was not going as far as it used to. I often could not pay my bills and had to rob Peter to pay Paul. On a number of occasions I was forced to seek help from welfare agencies for food and electricity and I hated to do that. We, as a family, never went anywhere and as far as school excursions and clothing, forget it — no money!

Although these things were happening, I could not see that my gambling had increased and in fact had all but taken over my life. If I didn't think gambling was the problem, then I would justify it by using my situation — I was raising the children on my own — and that I deserved the break and the fun ... what fun? As time went on troubles grew.

Eventually I became so far behind with my mortgage payments, I was threatened with losing my house. However I managed to re-finance but to no avail I ended up losing it.

I had become such a frantic person, not knowing at the time I was living with a general depression, made constantly worse after losing money at the club — I was rarely a winner. I did nothing else but walk, talk plan and sleep poker machines. I was once a happy sort of person, but increasingly became very angry and felt that I had a very large sack on my back, that weighed so heavy.

Why could I not connect that gambling was playing a major part in my pathetic life? Why could I not see that I had become a liar and would cover myself, never to be honest with anyone in my life? Why could I not see that I was causing my kids so much pain? Why did I not see that I had so much financial grief, but never equated it with gambling? How could I treat myself in such a dreadful way?

I guess, looking back now, I would have to say that this is what addiction is all about—living in a cloud of smoke, never really seeing, not really being in denial that a problem exists, but not having a way of knowing that gambling not only appears to be innocent but can be addictive and take your life away from you.

As each day’s events are linked to the next, I’ve decided to break my story into more parts than the original two, in the hope that the reader can catch hold of the essence of addiction.

My recovery was as different, as we are all individuals. Through one particular event I was led to a counselling team, loss of control over my life, depression as a constant, my life was in tatters. The counsellor helped me understand where I fitted into the scheme of things, so I started to unravel the mess.

It soon became apparent that my suspicions were right, my life was lacking something, but I could never put my finger on it. What was I lacking, the answer was so simple - love. What was my experience of love? Well love was heartache, manipulation, abuse, and control portrayed as love. To love yourself was a selfish act, so there was no place for self-esteem or the vital, love of oneself. So what was my survival technique? Destructive relationships, addictions of various kinds and being walked on to please others - having no say, as though I didn’t exist. This was not only self-abuse, but also being abused, all rolled into one.

Looking back this started from my earliest memory - always a victim. Don’t get me wrong, this is not blaming parents, but it is a vital part of recovery to look at your own personal history, to understand why you ended up destroying, not only yourself but hurting others.

So where did my children figure in this mess? Always loved without question, but being abused physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I was repeating the same pattern that had screwed me up, but with a few minor adjustments. Clearly though they had been deeply scared and survived the best way they could, just like myself. Whilst gambling was causing absolute chaos in our lives, these new discoveries took priority. It began to make sense at last I had proof that life had to be different, different to how I had experienced it.

Unbeknown to myself I began my recovery. No more feeling as though somehow I felt trapped within myself. Understanding why I never fitted in anywhere. Changing my relationships with my kids. So much grief over a lifetime.

What has this got to do with recovering from an addiction you ask? EVERYTHING!

Amazing things started to happen after a couple of years of counselling. I realised I had to change so much of myself. It wasn’t easy repairing the hurt I caused, it never is.

Still gambling, I was forced to sell my house as this was the only option that was given me. I had enough to clear many debts and was able to help my kids a little and buy a car. I decided to stop going to the club as I saw that I now had a way to improve my situation.

Living out of town, my car became my way of renewing myself, freedom to change and use my many life experiences to hopefully benefit others. I had a goal and began to search the ways to achieve it. I started with my counsellor who suggested I speak with someone at a certain community organization, which in turn sent me down another track and so on. Through Centrelink, I entered a short course at TAFE. During the course I found that my views & opinions were valued, improving my self-esteem and confidence. I continued to do short courses finally choosing Welfare and achieving my certificate.

For this first year of conscious choice to stop gambling, I went to the club four times. I felt depressed, angry and disgusted seeing for the first time, how out of control and determined to spend all the money I could lay my hands on. It was as if I was a different person, frantic and out of control. I was sickened to my stomach of who I had become and decided “no more”. Counselling had shown me that my life time had been one of desperation, not knowing the right way to care for myself and those around me, not knowing the true meaning of love. While I worked on changing those things, I slowly became positive, looking at those life experiences as an opportunity rather than failure or blame. I started to feel worthwhile with purpose in my life and an unstoppable drive. I had successfully not gambled for 18 months when I went along to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. It was good to find people like myself who felt like I did, who battled to stop gambling and who were puzzled to find how gambling became so out of control in their lives and had lost so much.

Up until this point, I hadn’t really looked at the devastation my gambling had caused, I had stopped but it took so much hard work to stop the urge. I had never thought gambling was an addictive. Even though I had been losing for 15 years. I discovered through GA that I had an addiction, it all made perfect sense to me. Disaster would always be mine if I gambled, and one coin would get me there.

I continued to go to GA and become the facilitator for 2 years establishing a phone contact for people within the community wanting information or to talk about what was happening for them. I had finished my Welfare training, which lead me into various volunteer positions in the community. I had learned to fill those many hours of gambling with different interests, educating my mind and myself.

Gambling has not been in my life for 5 full years now. I lead a full healthy life without clubs and the destruction. I care about myself and take pride in the fact that I am a survivor of great strength. The best part of all is that I work for a gambling service in my town where my valuable experience can be utilised. Discovering who I am and finding “the me” I should have always been is the greatest adventure.

Is gambling a problem for me now? Well, I’ve learnt many strategies and changed my life totally. I use all the coping skills if the urge returns, and although it does a bit it is not as often. Can I say I will never gamble again? The true answer to that question is “NO”. I have an addiction, but my desire is too great to continue the life I lead than to be lured by one coin followed by despair.

Lorraine

Please let us know whether the information on this page was useful.

 Not Helpful  1   2   3   4   5  Very Helpful

Comments:

Disclaimer - The opinions expressed in this website are not necessarily those held by the Gambling Impact Society (NSW) Inc. No responsibility will be accepted for anything that may occur as a result of anyone relying on the information and opinions contained in the website.