A Journey of Recovery

My story has a long history of gambling beginning when I was first allowed to get into clubs. It started as just a game & fun with friends. This lead in time to me spending more time at poker machines than I intended. At the time I felt I had it under control and could give it up at any time. I chose not to give it up. My losses where only small and occasional I received a reassuring win which encouraged me to play even more. There was a sense at that stage that I could beat the machines. Also, 25 years ago the machine used small bets and required to insert all coins, as a result it was difficult to lose substantial amounts of money in a short period if time. I gradually increased my playing i.e. spending longer. I justified that this was entertainment.

I continued this pattern for about ten years and during that period I never considered myself as having an addiction. There were however periods in those years where I did stop for months on end, but I always managed to return. It was during these periods, where I returned to gambling, that I felt I developed my emotional connection with the machines. I didn’t believe it at the time but upon reflection, it was linked to periods in my life where I wasn’t connecting with my feelings. Not knowing what to do with these I drowned myself in gambling on poker machines. It seemed to worked at that time.

I got married in my thirties and my partner never knew anything about my gambling. I was not open enough to explain. I suspect that I knew that it was problem but never wanted to show that I had a weakness. Initially my gambling was not active when we first started our marriage together, but gradually it crept in with occasional binges at pubs and clubs. What I was totally ignorant about was that now I had a shared bank account, all these transactions where open to scrutiny. I initially explained these with lies about my expenses etc. As my gambling continued these could not be explained away as easily and eventually I confessed - more that I was found out, after the amounts became ridiculous.

This was the first time that I openly discussed my gambling. My gambling was initially kept under wraps between myself and wife as we considered that this could be resolved between us i.e. me just Stop Gambling. Months passed where I didn’t return to gambling. But eventually I returned and again I was found out. This pattern occurred every 12-months of so and sometimes more regularly. I eventually started seeing a counsellor, however I was not ready to let go and really explain my addiction and at times the counsellor also believed that this was not a problem with gambling but something to do with my level of communication. Yes, my communication with people was not great and I tended to shy away from intimate discussions but at the time I was relieved as it gave me the opportunity to blame my behaviour on something else rather dealing with my addiction. At that time I didn’t like being labelled with an addiction.

Over the following years I repeated my behaviour and pattern over and over again, damage to my marriage was severe. It wasn’t until I commenced GA that I eventually took some responsibility for actions and admitted that I had an addiction. The GA process helped me to come to terms with what this addiction meant to me and how it was effecting me. This was most evident whilst listening to other members tell their story and finding out that I had similar experiences and feelings. It was great to feel not alone in this addiction and be able to share my experiences. I was also continuing my counselling sessions and together with my experiences with GA was able to get something out of these sessions. It also gave me the opportunity to look at my history; this was scary stuff.

In an attempt to get to know myself better I attended a 3- week program, full time at Maryfields Day Centre,Cambelltown. Where the whole course was developed to look into ones-self and explore feelings, attempt to resurrect them and discuss them with either your Counsellor or other members of the group. The whole experience was very powerful and I still recall many of those experiences.

My gambling returned from time to time with devastating effects on our marriage. The trust was all but gone. To make matter worse, I had a major bust whilst my wife was away overseas. This was the worst bust I had had and the most amount of money lost. I’m still baffled by my actions as to how I was ever going to be able to explain this huge loss. This was another nail in the coffin of our marriage and trust. To my wife’s credit she still managed to soldier on and support me as best she could.

After many more years of counselling and GA I had more periods and longer periods where I didn’t gamble. But every now again it resurrected itself. But now it wasn’t the amount of money that was lost but the level of distrust I was demonstrating. During all these years of gambling I never allowed myself to confess that I was gambling again. It was always that I was found out in some way.

This process was more than emphasised in my last gambling event more than 2 years ago. For a number of months I had been gambling during my lunch hour at work. Inevitably I gambled longer than the hour allocated to me and often well beyond. Eventually I came under suspicion at work and was pulled up before management. Instead of seeking support from friends, colleagues or counselling, I went it alone. Management were threatening to fire me and still I kept it to myself. It was only that, we were embarking on a family reunion overseas and my wife was about to pay for the tickets, that I told my wife what was happening. It was a great relief to me that she supported me at this difficult time, although she was probably fuming underneath. Even with all the support of family and friends I unfortunately lost my job. This was the wake up call, I have not gambled since.

The things that have helped me most during these last two years has been that I have self-excluded from all pubs in about a 50 klm radius of my home, also all the nearby clubs. I have had also the support of my wife, and slowly some of the trust between us has increased which has given me more confidence in our marriage. My work situation has changed considerably, initially I was working in a small business, which we established, totally unrelated to my profession. This probably also assisted me in breaking the pattern I had established over the years. I have now returned to my profession, on a consulting basis, which has restored my confidence in returning to my profession.

Though over the past 25 years my life has been plagued by gambling, I now believe that it has come to an end. This is a great relief for me, and I suspect, one for my family and friends.

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