Debs Story [part 1]

Once upon a time I never knew that playing poker machines could ever be a problem or that anyone could ever become addicted to them. I never dreamt that they could impact so severely on so many lives. Aren’t they meant to be for fun & harmless fun at that? Or so I had been lead to believe!

My mother had played poker machines when I was younger & introduced me to them when I reached 18 as a bit of fun & enjoyment when you were out. It was ok to put $5 in them with other people.

When I met my future husband we would play the pokies when we went out with friends have a nice time with the occasional big win. The years went by we married, didn’t have a lot of money like most newly weds, started a family of our own & we’d go on holidays to visit the family. While on holidays we’d go the local club while the kids were being looked after by the grandparents because we didn’t get out much when we were at home. Of course we’d have to go & play the pokies! That was what you did!

It used to be $10 between us while we were on holidays & we’d have fun, then the amounts increased & that was all we did when we went out. I used to become bored playing the pokies & would make up little games with the symbols trying to spin up the ones we hadn’t had yet. My husband always wanted to continue playing “just a little longer” until it got to the point that I’d press the “collect” button. I couldn’t stand it anymore I was so bored.

Being busy with lots of littlies I didn’t go out to clubs much so never gave a thought about poker machines & never thought they could be problematic.

My husband was in the defence force & when he was stationed at a base we would go out & use the mess facilities as the children could go & there was a pool attached to the area where they could play & swim while I supervised. There were also card machines in the bar area & that’s where my husband would go to spend his family time! We would spend many hours there, in the end waiting & trying to get him to stop playing the card machines so we could go home. I used to become so frustrated & didn’t want to go except the kids thought it was great going out there to swim & play pool, have drinks & chips bought for them because then they were quiet & left Daddy alone to play the machines!

I always wondered why we didn’t have much money & thought it was because we had 4 children, although other people seemed to have more money in the same circumstances. One day it clicked as a side comment was made to me when we were out at the mess “they didn’t know how someone of his rank who had 4 children had so much money to play the card machines every lunch time”. That’s when I first started to realise that there may be a problem.

From that point we started to have clashes over how often he was playing the machines. In the beginning you used to be given cash when you won on the machines but after a while they changed it to being paid in goods from behind the bar i.e. bottles of alcohol or cigarettes. His behaviour didn’t change.

In time he retired from the defence force & received his retirement payout. He was given a sum of money to do what he wanted with, mainly to get the pokies out of his system. Money was put aside for purchasing a home, which had been our long term dream. Other money was put into our joint account to buy a computer for the kids as they needed one for school work & to be able to do whatever was needed for the family. Life was starting to look good or so I thought.

I was working while he was looking for work & did reserve time in the defence force. We bought our house & got a mortgage, bought some new furniture & then I discovered that money was missing from our joint account! I didn’t know how this could happen as I had set the account up so that both parties had to sign for any withdrawals, as a safety measure. So out to the credit union I went, was I surprised! When the staff got out the withdrawal slips there were two signatures his & one that looked like mine! On the whole he did a good job of forging my signature except there would always be differences as I am left handed so he couldn’t quite get the slope right. I couldn’t believe that he must have practised & practised to get my signature so close to my way of signing. The staff were very apologetic particularly as I knew one of them quite well, so she was aware of the gambling issues & had thought all was ok as he had been quite happy of late (now we knew why!).

To say I was furious was an understatement, I was feeling so betrayed I didn’t know what to do! I very seriously considered going to the police to have him charged with forgery but stopped myself because he was the father of my children & I didn’t want to ruin his future by his having a criminal record. I asked him to leave temporarily & to seek some help for what was obviously becoming a problem that was affecting the whole family. My purpose behind having a temporary separation was to show him what he would lose if this behaviour continued without his getting help. So help he got through defence but he only sought help for his drinking not the gambling! He couldn’t see that his gambling was a problem & affected the family. We got back together after 10 days apart in which time he was distraught at what he had done & how he had jeopardised his family life. He went to AA & I went with him on occasion so I could understand & also started going to Al-Anon. I decided I needed counselling to cope with this problem & as there was nothing around for gambling I went to a Drug & Alcohol counsellor, who was very helpful from a generic point of view, but I was no closer to understanding gambling & why someone could risk losing their family over poker machines.

Life continued on & I was always on the lookout for any signs of further betrayal with the warning given to him that any further episodes that risked the family stability then he was gone for good. I was working fulltime in those times while he just did reserve time & became the house husband to be there for the kids, who were all at school, when they came home. I can remember coming home from work one evening to find my older daughter crying because she was supposed to be at rep training for netball but dad hadn’t come home to take her. Of course when he did come home there were generally fights between us over his leaving the kids & coming home drunk & having played the pokies for all that time.

Remorse was shown the next day after going to bed still fighting & upset, of course it was always my fault! With all his problems he had never to this time taken anything that wasn’t his until the one occasion when I couldn’t get out to the credit union due to work & I needed money to do the grocery shopping. I signed a withdrawal form for my own account on this occasion, believing that he wouldn’t steal from me. So he withdrew the money for me & when I came home from work he wasn’t home & the kids said he was down at the club. My heart sank surely he wouldn’t touch the grocery money! With my heart in my mouth & feeling really anxious I went down the road to the club (which happened to be within walking distance of our home). When I walked in I couldn’t see him straight away, then walking through the poker machines I saw him, sitting there playing the machines. Some lady was sitting next to him as I walked up & demanded he give me my money. He could only give me $50 from the $150 I had withdrawn, I cried & told him how little I thought of him for stealing the food out of his children’s mouth, that I had earned that money & had trusted him not to spend it, as it was our grocery money. I followed that with “well don’t bother coming back” as I really didn’t want him in our lives when he cared so little for his family. So our 2nd separation started!

The real unfortunate people affected by this were our 4 children who were ranging in age from 6- 13 yrs old. They had listened to our fighting, gone without because there was no money & tried to cope with an absent father. This was the worst because it was a different absence than when he had been away with the defence force. Now they had a father who was physically supposed to be home but who left them most days to go to the club leaving them at home alone as well as being emotionally removed. As well as having a mother who was highly stressed & very anxious trying to keep everything together & work as well as grieve for the relationship that was no more.

That separation lasted about 10 weeks & only ended because I was away & he got back into the house. When I returned with the kids he was there & he pleaded to stay & promised to do something about his problems that he had learnt that he didn’t want to lose his family who were the most important thing in the world to him. During our separation I had also come to learn that he had skimmed the mortgage repayments and the conditions of his returning included that if he ever touched the mortgage in any way that he would be gone for good with no hope of returning as this was his very last chance.

To try & reduce temptations I had my wage redirected fully onto our mortgage & got a manageable credit card to pay the bills & do groceries with, in my name only. Emotionally by this time I was exhausted & no longer trusted him and on reflection was waiting for the next incident to happen that would spell the end of our marriage. I tried to reduce his exposure to money & gave him a small allowance to cover his smokes, beer etc. Money would disappear at home, not large amounts but I could never prove who had taken it & I can recall pleading with whoever took it to own up, as I just wanted some honesty, it never happened.

His behaviour changed, seemingly for the positive, he was there for the kids in the afternoons, he seemed happier. I thought that there was hope for our future, although the little doubts remained. I used to come home for lunch most days & he would be there except for his pension day. There were occasions when he would come home with a fist full of money as he had won on the pokies. We were always behind in our bills & life was a real balancing act but I was getting there slowly. He would give me some of the money he had won on occasion, telling me to treat myself. I wasn’t allowed to pay bills with it, how I hated that money it always seemed to be dirty money to me, I never wanted it.

I hated knowing that he was still playing the poker machines. In a sense I became jealous of the poker machines because he preferred being with them than being home with the kids & myself. I would come home for lunch & he wouldn’t be there. I’d rage inside & plan in my mind dashing into the club & confronting him, but knowing deep inside that it would make no difference. I felt so alone as no-one could understand, my family didn’t understand that pokies could have such a hold over someone even I didn’t understand what hold the pokies could have.

End of Part One

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