Fooling Yourself

As recovery begins, focus should be on the self, for many character changes need to take place. “Filling the void” or replacing those many hours/years of gambling need to be filled with new challenges and activities, including the simple things such as walking.

The aim of these changes is to replace old thinking habits with new and positive thoughts. Need to nurture the physical, mental and spiritual self is of paramount importance. The impact of how gambling affects the gambler can vary from loss of self-respect, shame, possibly physical illness, depression, impact on family and financial matters all can be devastating. The final goal is to become a healthy productive person to be able to live without gambling being part of life.

In my 5th year of recovery, I awoke one morning completely exhausted, finding that overnight I had fallen into the black pit of despair. Depression had moved in bringing with it that ugly voice saying “ you may as well end it all”. Where this came from I had no idea, all I knew was what a mess I was in and I needed to fight for my life.

There were a number of things that I didn’t need to concentrate on first. Having no appetite or bathing was not a priority. Feeling sick and off balance was not a big concern. The first thing I needed to do was to get rid of that voice and to recall all of my life experiences to prove what was happening to me at the time, compared to the rest of my life was no biggie. The need not to give this thing, the power that it was demanding took every ounce of what I had left in me and that was so little.

It would have been easier to just sit there and die. But I knew I was a survivor, so with my minuscule tool bag I fought back to gain control.

After 6 weeks of pure battle I started to live normally. Bathing and eating began to be a priority. The TV and people’s voices started to make sense again, for that time I believe my brain blanketed the skill of making sense of other's speech in order for me to focus on my choices. I had been to the doctor a couple of times and my extreme high blood pressure was returning to normal.

Here was a hidden pitfall for me on my journey of recovery I had continued my old ways.

I started to look at what had brought me to this event. It was easy to see one of the main problems I had, was the amount of self-nurturing I was doing - which amounted to nearly zero. In fact, I could not stop from running from point A to B , at work or at home. I had become compulsively obsessed. In those past 5 years I had changed so many things about myself and was doing a great job. I had received counselling (but looking back, I needed far more), read countless self-help books and was well aware of replacing one addiction for another.

I had fooled myself. I thought I had it nearly altogether. My job and private life became the new addiction, swapping one unhealthy way of life for another, still abusing myself, still gaining great highs and adrenalin rushes, the only difference between it was I wasn’t gambling. Once again I needed to change my behaviour and thinking, which I have, and am still doing.

Life isn’t easy, so often its’ cruel, but I love the way that you are given choice and opportunity to change. I have had an invaluable experience to learn from. I have proven that I can rise above what comes my way. It simply takes understanding of the part you play in it. After years of recovery the roller coaster has slowed down and I feel very healthy. I will never escape the urge to gamble, but that urge lessens as you learn to cope with it.

For me “there is Life after gambling” it isn’t something I need to be tied to. What is vital though is do your homework, watch out for pitfalls and take back life and live it.

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Disclaimer - The opinions expressed in this website are not necessarily those held by the Gambling Impact Society (NSW) Inc. No responsibility will be accepted for anything that may occur as a result of anyone relying on the information and opinions contained in the website.

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