Learning To Change

I am addicted to poker machines. I don’t gamble in any other way except Bingo occasionally. I am addicted to one machine only—the one with the pyramids. I even used a special finger each time I pushed a button.

I have always had a problem with the poker machines but in years gone by I lived too far way from the clubs. As there was no public transport and I don’t drive, I was unable to get to the clubs very often to play. But when I did, I still managed to pay my bills and do my shopping. That was 20 years ago - even then, I used to fight myself not to go.

Then about 4 years ago I moved to a coastal town with several clubs within walking distance. I lived across the road from one but refused to join because I thought it would be too easy if I was bored & lonely to go gambling.

I have always tried to fight my addiction but it hasn't been easy as I had to pass the clubs every time I went down to the town. I would have a battle with myself — especially on pension day — I would argue with myself “just go in and put $10 in the machine” “no don’t” “yes do”, “ If I go in and put $10 in , that will be all I will do, no it won’t you’ll put in heaps”—and that's what I did. However, sometimes I would beat it and walk past the club feeling really proud of myself.

There were days when I would put in a lot, and then go home and apparently I’d be very quiet and my daughter would say “how much this time?” In the early years I would lie but later I was able to tell her.

I started a gambling support group this year and for months I was the only one to attend the group. I have learnt a lot from it and haven’t told lies about gambling since February this year. I thought I could control my gambling and tried to do just that. Sometimes it worked, but not always.

Anyway in about September this year I had a dear friend come to stay with me. He has a memory problem and doesn’t get much money as he lives in a retirement home. Once a year he gets about $200 for a holiday and comes to stay with me for about a month. During this time I looked after his money –whilst he forgot about it. So over the next few days, I put my money and all of his through the poker machine.

I felt so ashamed of myself to do that to an old man. I did repay it eventually but that’s beside the point it was a terrible thing to do. So the following week I went to the gambling group and told the counsellor what I had done and how ashamed I felt that I could do a thing like that. “That's it—no more poker machine for me” . So I set in motion getting banned from playing the poker machines in the clubs.

The counsellor asked “what about the pubs?” there are three in my area but I said, “I don’t like pubs, I won’t play there”. Meanwhile , I had left my old friend in a pub whist I was at the group meeting. When I went to pick him up I started to think to myself “if I can't play poker machines in the club, I ’ll end up going to the pub!”. So I walked straight in and asked to speak to the manager and set the wheels in motion to ban myself from the pubs as well! I can still go to the clubs for a meal or the Bingo (and I quite often do) but I just can’t go near the gambling area.

It took the help of the counsellor to get banned from the clubs and it was a bit embarrassing but it was worth it. Only once since, have I been near a poker machine and that was when I went to stay with a relative and whist he was at work I put through $70 and won the jack pot of $130. I grabbed the money and took off—I guess that was my way of saying farewell to the machines.

This was the end of August and now it’s the end of November and I haven't been near them since.

I’m not as ashamed of myself as I used to be. In fact I’m proud of myself for taking steps to safeguard myself from the machines. I can now go to the club and look back at the people playing and think "what a waste of money I’m glad I don't do that anymore.

I definitely appreciated the gambling support group I still go to. I have learnt not to lie - what’s the point, it doesn't help but if you are honest it’s good and you get the help you need. I must say I was the first one in the area to self-exclude — it was suggested 3 months but I took out 3 years. I don’t want to play—but I can’t think of anything more embarrassing than playing and being tapped on the should and asked to leave.

I will not play the machines again ever, I am very determined on this point. Although I don't want to play I still need the support of the counsellor and support group for now. Help is available to anyone—you only have to ask.

Now instead of being ashamed of myself I am proud of myself and I don’t mind telling my story to anyone, and I do if it helps them. Since I quit, each day I feel stronger and more determined not to play the machines — I can hold my head up and walk tall.

A group member

GIS (NSW) thanks members for their ongoing contributions, particularly those who are able to share their very personal experiences with gambling for the benefit of others.

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