The Gambler In Me ... Who Me?

If I hadn’t been retrenched five years ago, I’d probably still be working. If I was working, I probably wouldn’t be bored. If I wasn’t bored, I probably wouldn’t want to play the poker machines.

My name not being Kipling, I doubt I’ll ever become famous for doing an “IF” routine but somehow I need to find an explanation for my pokie playing. IF I find an explanation that is acceptable, I won’t play them any more or at least not so as it is, or could be, a problem.

Do you believe that?

I have read many articles on compulsive gambling; the tragedies that can and often do result and I’ve even witnessed the tragic consequences in my own extended family. THEY play all the time or at least regularly. THEY lose the family home. THEY cause relationships to fall apart. THEY put all their pay in the pokies in one session. THEY use the bill or rent money to feed the pokies. THIS LITTLE BLACK DUCK doesn’t do that, so she doesn’t really have a problem.

Or does she?

If I liked drinking instead of poker machines, I guess I’d be a binge drinker. You know, you haven't got a problem if you don’t’ drink every day. You can’t be an alcoholic if you can go weeks or months without a drink. It doesn’t matter that you can’t have ONE drink, when you DO drink, that you have to have two, three, four and then stop counting. That’s not problem drinking!

Or is it?

My Dad played the pokies, more than he should have and enough to worry the family budget but we never lost the house and he “gave it away” when he retired. Mum liked to “play socially”, meaning with Dad or one of us who liked playing, once we were old enough to go to the club (twenty-one in those days).

Six kids in our family, three like the pokies, three wouldn’t touch them. How did we get to be the ones who like to play? Is it some genetic lottery, a quirk of fate, someone else’s FAULT that we like to gamble?

Are my answers here somewhere?

I am a very strong-minded person, quite autocratic and partial to doing things MY WAY. I am not an ogre, not a major cynic and don’t lack in compassion for others etc. etc. I’ve been known to be kind and considerate, understanding and non-judgmental through twenty five years of working in the community sector but I AM kinda hard on myself personally. What's that got to with the price of eggs, you ask?

I don’t know, I’m just looking for answers, remember?

I really hate not working, the loss of independence and the whole Centrelink payment bit. Not that I’m ungrateful for the income, I just want to earn it. On top of that, I’ve lost my health and have had to accept that I will not (wanted to put a “probably” in there, in front of “not”) ever work again. Boy, I REALLY HATE ADMITTING THAT!

Is gambling linked to life changes?

Poker machines were a social and occasional pastime most of my adult life, like having an each way bet at the TAB. I never played alone and found it boring if I played longer than half an hour. Betting was not a priority, a big deal; I could take it or leave it.

Why did that change?

Now I can sit alone, especially in front of MY machine, as long as the money holds out. Now its not ten dollars, but hundreds dollars or more of its in my purse. My rent comes directly out of my pension; most household payments are on direct debit from my bank account. My only problems are my phone and power accounts. I don't have credit cards, as I went bankrupt when I lost my job and have found out what a blessing it is NOT to have them. “Credit cards are away of life, can’t manage without them”.

Oh yes you can!

Unfortunately, we nearly all have ATM or bank debit cards and heaven only knows why the “powers that be” allowed clubs and pubs to install automatic teller machines! A FULL- ON DISASTER!! I hit my bank account four times in one afternoon! I didn’t even know it WAS four times until I came home and pulled out the ATM receipts!

No one else has ever done that, have they?

If I find out WHY I play the pokies, will that help me to stop? I quit smoking after thirty-two years of doing it, didn’t have patches and pills to help in those days either! “I am strong! I am invincible! I am woman!”

Well, I’m a woman but I’m a woman who gambles and doesn’t want to, want to again.

I have finally seen a gambling counsellor, a nice young woman who seems pretty cluey. She has lots if ideas and I have lots of “yes, but’. Somehow I think she’s probably heard them all before and she might just be able to help me.

Lord knows, I need help!

Meg

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